For the past few days I have been
uncharacteristically unproductive. Something was off, at times I felt
a bit disconnected, I also slept longer hours than usual. But I
couldn't quite put my finger on the reason behind it. More precisely
part of the reason. Or I didn't want to. And it had nothing to do
with my flu, which, without a doubt, has knocked me off my game a
bit. I was as hopeful as ever during the day, but at night a
reccuring ghost kept haunting me. It all started on Tuesday, I guess,
when I read another one of his entries on the blog, basically
confirming the news Marta broke to me the previous weekend; that he
and his ex may not exactly be done with each other. Whichever ex he
was writing about, the fact still remained valid. And her telling me
that day that they are gonna meet this weekend didn't exactly make
things easier, though her clarification as for his ex's presence at
her prom – which he never was intended to go to – kinda calmed me
down on the other hand. I wasn't sad and I definitely wasn't jealous,
at least not in this maniacal way...I simply, once again, realized
that I don't want to compete with anyone for his hypothetical
affection, and certainly not his ex of all people. But I was okay
with that. I made peace with that. I cannot change his past and I
cannot freak out over the littlest of interactions between them, if I
am to have any kind of shot at this...But that wasn't the problem.
The problem was that I am not sure if I want to have a shot. The next
day I was totally fine, but at night I felt a bit uneasy again. Come
Thursday his hilarious snaps made me grin as wide as ever and so did
our little chat...But I just couldn't get rid of that weird feeling
in my bones. I didn't wanna face it, I avoided asking myself the
serious questions and associated it with the general feeling of
loneliness at first. But then it suddenly hit me. He is, after all,
the closest thing I have to a crush at the moment...And even though I
can't even begin to label our interactions in any way, since I
haven't met him in person yet, he does matter to me in a weird
undescribable way. So when I faced the issue head on, I could finally
name the feeling that has been coming over me for the last few days.
It was fear. It wasn't the fear of the unknown, it wasn't the fear of
the rejection itself as well. It was the fear of getting really
attached, investing all my time and energy in something that will
probably end in disaster, as usual. I mean...I have grown enough to
realize it at the right moment – that I don't want to get more
attached to him than I already have. I DO feel this constant need to
talk to him, I won't lie. And as much as the ground for any kind of
acquaintance with him hasn't been nourished enough yet and won't be
until we meet...I'm not exactly sure if I should meet him. If it's
the right thing to do. I'd love to meet him in person, start getting
to know him on a whole new level and do it in a kinda non-romantic
way. Sure, I am attracted to him, but I can be friendly when I have
to. And this „have to” is not pertaining the hypothesis that only
this can truly grant me any chance at something serious with
him...Hell no, this „have to” is actually pertaining to the fact
that I, for my own sake, kinda want to suppress my feelings, totally
turn them off and just try to be friends with him without any of my
usual batshit crazy planning ahead in mind. I am in this weird place
where (as much as I try to) I am not indifferent to him and I am not
fully-blown infatuated with him yet. I basically try not to get my
hopes up, hell, if I have any; since I've repeatedly told myself that
he's not interested in me, to not let it get too far. Weirdly enough,
from where I'm standing, I am my most distant self ever, when it
comes to any kind of romantic entanglements. I do think about him a
lot, but when I picture the future or wish for that 'someone' who
could finally care about me the way I did about my previous possible
partners, I don't see him. That must be a good thing, and for a
change it really does feel good. With K. I was afraid that he's too
good to be true (look how that turned out for me). With him it's
totally not the case. Sure, he makes me grin like a madman, basically
all the time, and he doesn't make me sad in any way...But I guess the
difference is in my perspective on things now. A year has passed and
I obviously have grown wiser. I am naturally not ecstatic nor
depressed when I think about the situation between us. But maybe that
is actually the problem? I have no earthly idea. But it sure as hell
is not bland. On the contrary, I feel challenged by him in many ways,
and not only in this silly way of verbal power-games. I would love to
dive into it without any feelings whatsoever, whether it be fear or
joy. But I do know myself and I do know better now. I have learned my
lesson. I know how it always ends. I get attached for nothing. I have
been hurt way too many times to blindly walk into it. That may be why
the friendship would be the way to go, but I'm just simply afraid
that when I'll meet him in person, I won't be able to contain myself
from various musings about our bond & getting my hopes up. Maybe
I should just consider celibate. It'd make things that much easier
for all of us.
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