#11 It's only fear...

For the past few days I have been uncharacteristically unproductive. Something was off, at times I felt a bit disconnected, I also slept longer hours than usual. But I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason behind it. More precisely part of the reason. Or I didn't want to. And it had nothing to do with my flu, which, without a doubt, has knocked me off my game a bit. I was as hopeful as ever during the day, but at night a reccuring ghost kept haunting me. It all started on Tuesday, I guess, when I read another one of his entries on the blog, basically confirming the news Marta broke to me the previous weekend; that he and his ex may not exactly be done with each other. Whichever ex he was writing about, the fact still remained valid. And her telling me that day that they are gonna meet this weekend didn't exactly make things easier, though her clarification as for his ex's presence at her prom – which he never was intended to go to – kinda calmed me down on the other hand. I wasn't sad and I definitely wasn't jealous, at least not in this maniacal way...I simply, once again, realized that I don't want to compete with anyone for his hypothetical affection, and certainly not his ex of all people. But I was okay with that. I made peace with that. I cannot change his past and I cannot freak out over the littlest of interactions between them, if I am to have any kind of shot at this...But that wasn't the problem. The problem was that I am not sure if I want to have a shot. The next day I was totally fine, but at night I felt a bit uneasy again. Come Thursday his hilarious snaps made me grin as wide as ever and so did our little chat...But I just couldn't get rid of that weird feeling in my bones. I didn't wanna face it, I avoided asking myself the serious questions and associated it with the general feeling of loneliness at first. But then it suddenly hit me. He is, after all, the closest thing I have to a crush at the moment...And even though I can't even begin to label our interactions in any way, since I haven't met him in person yet, he does matter to me in a weird undescribable way. So when I faced the issue head on, I could finally name the feeling that has been coming over me for the last few days. It was fear. It wasn't the fear of the unknown, it wasn't the fear of the rejection itself as well. It was the fear of getting really attached, investing all my time and energy in something that will probably end in disaster, as usual. I mean...I have grown enough to realize it at the right moment – that I don't want to get more attached to him than I already have. I DO feel this constant need to talk to him, I won't lie. And as much as the ground for any kind of acquaintance with him hasn't been nourished enough yet and won't be until we meet...I'm not exactly sure if I should meet him. If it's the right thing to do. I'd love to meet him in person, start getting to know him on a whole new level and do it in a kinda non-romantic way. Sure, I am attracted to him, but I can be friendly when I have to. And this „have to” is not pertaining the hypothesis that only this can truly grant me any chance at something serious with him...Hell no, this „have to” is actually pertaining to the fact that I, for my own sake, kinda want to suppress my feelings, totally turn them off and just try to be friends with him without any of my usual batshit crazy planning ahead in mind. I am in this weird place where (as much as I try to) I am not indifferent to him and I am not fully-blown infatuated with him yet. I basically try not to get my hopes up, hell, if I have any; since I've repeatedly told myself that he's not interested in me, to not let it get too far. Weirdly enough, from where I'm standing, I am my most distant self ever, when it comes to any kind of romantic entanglements. I do think about him a lot, but when I picture the future or wish for that 'someone' who could finally care about me the way I did about my previous possible partners, I don't see him. That must be a good thing, and for a change it really does feel good. With K. I was afraid that he's too good to be true (look how that turned out for me). With him it's totally not the case. Sure, he makes me grin like a madman, basically all the time, and he doesn't make me sad in any way...But I guess the difference is in my perspective on things now. A year has passed and I obviously have grown wiser. I am naturally not ecstatic nor depressed when I think about the situation between us. But maybe that is actually the problem? I have no earthly idea. But it sure as hell is not bland. On the contrary, I feel challenged by him in many ways, and not only in this silly way of verbal power-games. I would love to dive into it without any feelings whatsoever, whether it be fear or joy. But I do know myself and I do know better now. I have learned my lesson. I know how it always ends. I get attached for nothing. I have been hurt way too many times to blindly walk into it. That may be why the friendship would be the way to go, but I'm just simply afraid that when I'll meet him in person, I won't be able to contain myself from various musings about our bond & getting my hopes up. Maybe I should just consider celibate. It'd make things that much easier for all of us.  

#10 Starting the year on a positive note

New year, new me. For some people this is a totally worn out cliche, but when New Year's never felt this good, I begin to truly embrace it. I am really, honestly, and truly content with my life. And it can only get better from now on. 2015 will be a year of change and I'll make sure of it. It's like some fairy struck me with her wand, it feels so weird, but I am really at peace and so is my mind. I am letting go of all the negative feelings and bracing myself for the awesomeness of this year.

I am excited about myself. Yes, like all the significant changes it happened overnight...and even though my physique is still far from perfect, I no longer see an ugly, unappealing face and body. I see a body that is the temple and a face of a young, relatively handsome, talented man that is slowly, step by step, learning to really appreciate and absorb the joy from the smallest of things in life. And it's like every day, no matter how big the bag under my eyes may be, I am getting stronger and stronger...as if I was preparing for some kind of battle, ha. But it's true, I am growing in power, in my inner power of self-confidence, to stun the world and make my encounters and contributions count. And with that state of mind, I can move mountains, in all the areas of my life. Speaking of which, though nothing is yet set in stone, I may have gained myself a designer to collaborate with me on my upcoming project. It's about damn time I did something with my creative ideas and that camera I bought. Nothing will stop me now. And my London trip at the end of this month sure is not making things any less exciting!

And I am excited about others. It, as usual, may be premature to say this...But boy did I miss this feeling, feeling that chill on your back, those butterflies in your stomach. As much as my record with men has been...well, since the history can remember, only negative, I've learned one thing. No matter how bad it may end, the memories that are created in-between the beginning and end of certain relationships are what truly counts. It may ring a bit untrue, especially given my experiences and all the bad blood that I have with the boys of my past...but it's true, there are always moments worth remembering, it's just that we choose to forget them and cling on to hate instead. Well, as I mentioned earlier, I'm not clinging on to it anymore, I'mma simply cling on to moving forward. That's it. So...with all the doubt and fear of getting hurt, at the end of the day, it's all worth it.

I may not have much but I am slowly learning to appreciate the good things in my life. May the universe shower me with its blessings in the coming months. I sure will use them to my advantage.

Unusually brief and hopeful,

A.